This time of year, it's hard not to reflect on years past and the surgeries Christian went through. Christian faced the biggest surgery he has faced to date on May 23, 2011, and the second biggest on May 26, 2014. Two major anniversaries come back to back this time of year.
Facebook memories make it impossible to avoid the reminders, but I don't really want to avoid them any longer. I won't rehash the entire story of Christian's first major surgery on May 23, 2011 because I have written about it a lot already, and I wanted to touch on another topic tonight, but that surgery left me whatever word there is to describe a thousand levels of intensity past terrified. I just knew that I, nor he, could ever experience anything like that ever again and make it through alive.
Suffice it to say, I suffered for several years with clinically diagnosed PTSD after Christian's surgery. If you want to read about the whole encounter, I wrote about it in Through the Eyes of Hope and you can purchase it
HERE.
I spent several years after that just doing research, visiting hospitals, talking to different doctors in different specialty fields, learning how to live with this new and intense anxiety, and trying to regain a sense of control. My life had so suddenly went from the calm to a chaotic, unsteady, out of control mess. Christian being born with differences that I had not expected, and a mountain of surgeries and hospital visits that all seemed too overwhelming was more than I could handle.
Because of all I've been through and how I have shared our journey publicly for so long, I am complimented almost every single day at least once, usually through social media, but it happens in person, as well. People say things like "amazing," "inspiring," "so courageous" to describe me or our situation and how I've handled it.
Can I just tell you guys the honest truth? Whenever I read messages like that or when people say things like that to me, I feel so honored and humbled, and at the same time I feel totally unworthy.
This journey we have been on has, obviously, not been easy, and I realize that I have managed well considering; but social media is really good at showing the best parts and keeping the worst parts out of view.
It reminds me of the meaningless way we tell people we are "fine" when they ask how we're doing because it's not appropriate to say, "Well, actually, I'm terrible. I'm really struggling right now and I don't know how much more I can take." I realize why we do the whole "fine" charade, but I also realize just how shallow and meaningless it is. Side note about myself: I do not like small talk and meaningless chatter. But I still take part in it because, well, I don't want to make people feel awkward when I start pouring my heart out about my sufferings when all they really want to do is get their coffee in peace. I"m not good at hiding my emotions. I am a pretty sensitive and emotional person and stuffing it all down feels...bad.
So, at times I will choke through a "fine" and post a happy photo on Facebook, while inside my head or heart is a raging storm.
That's not to say that every day is terrible either. We have our fair share of good and bad days like everyone else. But it's easy to pretend that everything is fine when it's not, or that things are easy whe really we're reaching the end of our rope.
